I’m sure you’ve been enthralled reading about Amazon founder Jeff Bezos’ ongoing battle with the National Enquirer, the tabloid rag that last month published a stop-the-presses scoop that Bezos, married to wife MacKenzie for 25 years, had for months been doing the horizontal tango with another executive’s wife.
Enquirer editors teased that they had more dirt: a series of explicit selfies, including a “below the belt” image. Bezos, the world’s richest man, who also owns the Washington Post, alleges that the Enquirer, run by blackmailing Trump-loving scoundrels, was trying to extort money from him and threatened to publish those pics of his pee-pee unless he ponied up.
It’s tough to feel sympathy for an adulterous billionaire who was caught with his pants down. But good for Jeff “Bollocks” Bezos for fighting back.
The biggest shocker here? The National Enquirer is still in business! Who knew? I was sure it went the way of the bankrupt Weekly World News, a wonderfully entertaining publication whose non-Bat Boy exposés included “I Was Bigfoot’s Love Slave and Now I’m Pregnant With His Baby,” “Clinton Hires 3-Breasted Intern! ‘I Thought He Was a Leg Man’ Says Shocked Hillary,” and “12 U.S. Senators are Space Aliens.” Even if you hate fake news, it was impossible not to chuckle when reading such clever drivel.
The Enquirer, available now at a checkout counter near you, has moved on from Bezos. Its current issue features such unvarnished investigative journalism as “Gene Hackman’s Bizarre Life as a Recluse” and “Queen Gives Up Throne: William and Kate Named King and Queen.” Not worth forking over $4.99, is it?
There are still some amusing gossipy tabloids out there jam-packed with riveting celebrity news. Star this week features “Eva (Mendes) and Ryan (Gosling) Split: Blowout Fight Before Oscars!”, “Furious Reese (Witherspoon) Trashes Nicole (Kidman)” and “Humiliated Katy (Perry): Orlando (Bloom) Cheated For Months.” BTW (By The Way), Katy and Orlando got engaged on Valentine’s Day. Oops!
Life & Style this week features “Mila Trapped in a Bad Marriage” and “Jenna and Channing Divorce Turns Nasty.” Britain’s Globe highlights “93-LB. Angie Sick & Alone,” accompanied by photos of the “anorexic” movie star, and “Brad & Charlize Having a Baby.” It even attacks HGTV’s genial “Fixer Upper” star “Joanna,” saying she’s letting her family down because she’s stressed out all the time; Wouldn’t you be stressed out if you had five kids, including an 8-month-old, and were starting your own TV network.
You’ll notice the celebrities’ last names are seldom used, because, of course, we care deeply about these people and only an unfeeling cretin would not realize that “Mila” is Mila Kunis, “Jenna” is Jenna Dewan, “Channing” is Channing Tatum, “Angie” is Angelina Jolie, “Charlize” is Charlize Theron, and “Joanna” is Joanna Gaines.
Angie’s ex, “Brad” (Pitt; you unfeeling cretins), is all over these supermarket tabloids. Just a few weeks ago, one tabloid gleefully announced that Brad and his other ex, “Jennifer” (Aniston), had reunited. I bet baby mama “Charlize” is royally p.o.’d.
And those bloody royals! It seems “Meghan” (Duchess of Sussex) can’t get along with anyone. Her father and half-sister are reportedly fed up with her. There’s reportedly no love lost between her and “Kate” (Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge) and that’s affecting the relationship between her hubby “Harry” (Henry Charles Albert David, Duke of Sussex) and his brother “Billy” (William Arthur Philip Louis, Duke of Cambridge). The queen is reportedly ticked off because she and Harry moved into a place of their own. Meghan is reportedly making life miserable for the household staff during her pregnancy. About the only thing the intrusive British press hasn’t blamed her for is Brexit and the low alcohol content of Bass Ale (5.2 percent alcohol by volume). The tabloid leeches are stirring the pot; hopefully she’s stronger than Princess Diana, because the coverage is eerily familiar.
On this side of the pond comes news that our national punching bag, 6-foot-3 President Trump, got a good report from his doctor. His cholesterol is down (thanks to a larger dose of Crestor), but he’s gained four pounds, putting him at 243, in the “obese” range. Maybe he should ditch the golf cart and carry his bag whenever he tees it up. Just sayin’. I won’t mention that he’s increased the blood pressure of nearly every American, because that’d be tacky.
Wait! This just in: “Alien Endorses Trump, Confident He Will Make the Universe Great Again.” Oh, brother…