Back in 1995, Michael Moore wrote, produced and directed a farcical movie called “Canadian Bacon.”
Its premise was that the American president, played by Alan Alda, was sinking like a stone in the polls so he had to gin up a war with someone. The only problem was nobody would play. Not even the Russians.
Finally, and with no small amount of exasperation, the American president drums up a war with Canada (started because some sheriff, played by the late, great John Candy, criticized Canadian beer).
Is there any way Lynn can do this to Somerville?
Seriously. Just invade the town unless it vows to stop taking what is rightfully ours. And what’s rightfully ours is not beer, but Marshmallow Fluff, which Somerville has now co-opted as its own. Over the weekend the city had a 100th birthday festival to celebrate the stuff of Fluffernutters, and if you ask me, whoever planned it has his or her head stuffed with fluff the same as Winnie the Pooh.
This isn’t the first time Somerville has received the lion’s share of the goodies while we here in Lynn have our noses pressed to the window outside the restaurant watching people eating escargot (see “Ghostbusters”).
Let’s talk subway. Small “s” (as opposed to the sandwich shop, which is well-represented in the Shoe City). Somerville has the Red Line station at Davis Square. The extension of the T into that end of town turned Davis Square into a prototype of what having rapid transit in your midst can do to an area in dire need of a facelift.
You want more? There’s a new Orange Line station at the Assembly Square Mall between Wellington in Medford and Sullivan Square in Charlestown.
You want even more? Although the project has been fraught with delays and talk of downsizing, the plan is to run a Green Line extension from Lechmere Square in Cambridge (where there hasn’t been a Lechmere store since God knows when) through Somerville (yup) and into Medford, another city already well-served by the T.
So that’s three bites at the apple for Somerville. Hey, let’s explore the feasibility of extending the Blue Line from Bowdoin to Somerville. Just put another tube under the Charles River. That way the city can have all four lines running through it.
There’s no question that Somerville needed a good, swift kick to get it out of its malaise. But three good, swift kicks? Come on. How about us? We could use some love too, except that apparently we’re not good enough to get even one subway station, let alone three. And boy, a Blue Line station in Central Square would look mighty nice for the same reasons the one in Davis Square has been such a Godsend.
Well all right. These are politicians’ decisions, and politicians have their own reasons for doing things. Someday we might even be able to figure them out.
But what the Fluff is with having a Marshmallow Fluff festival in Somerville? (don’t get mad at me; that’s the name the city gave it).
How about Lynn? Durkee-Mower has been making the stuff for 97 years since Allen Durkee and Fred Mower purchased the recipe in 1920 for the grand sum of $500. This is starting to feel like the Yankees stealing Johnny Damon and Jacoby Ellsbury. How do we continually end up looking like beggars as our heritage picks up and leaves town? First shoes, then the GE, and now Fluff.
All I can think of is George Bush when Iraq invaded Kuwait in 1990. Said George I, “this will not stand.”
Neither should this. I say all-out war on Somerville. We could mass at the Medford border, using Tufts’ dorms as barracks, and once we’ve softened them up on one flank, pour over the border at the Cambridge end, and into Davis Square.
We’d have two objectives: Get some of that money they’ve all earmarked to make Somerville the new MBTA focal point; and take back our Fluff. Damn the torpedoes.
It’ll be a tough slog, as the generals like to say. Mayor Joe Curtatone is a tough fighter. Just ask Stephen Wynn. He’s been a pain in Wynn’s posterior for two years now, and there’s no letup in sight. Someday that casino might even get built, but it’ll be no thanks to Curtatone.
But our mayor’s shown her angry side a few times too, and I’m confident Judith Flanagan Kennedy can lead us into battle with the best of them. Because, after all, there are times when you just have to fight. And gosh darnit all, I draw the line (take your pick; red, orange or green) at stealing our legacy of fluff.
You see, I’m tired of Lynn being everybody’s punching bag. My high school religion teacher used to joke that he drove his car into Lynn only to have all his hubcaps stolen while he was stopped at a red light. That was in 1967. I can only imagine what the joke would be now.
Well enough. If Alan Alda can start a war over beer, we can start one over Marshmallow Fluff. As we all like to say when we’re in the throes of irrational anger, “it’s the principle of the thing.”
Well … it’s the principle of the thing.
Steve Krause has been with The Item since 1979. He is the sports editor, but has written about music, and has provided at-large commentaries as well.
