Next Monday, we celebrate Columbus Day. For many Americans, it’s simply a day off from work and one more chance to humiliate themselves at a family cookout.
But who is Christopher Columbus? Why is he so special? Let’s face it, he’s no Tom Brady. Now there’s a guy who deserves to have a day named after him.
But I digress …
Here’s a look at Columbus: the man, the myth and his place in history. This is, as they say on those tabloid-like TV shows, the “unauthorized true story” of the controversial Italian explorer, navigator and colonizer.
Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492. He and his mates set out to cross the Atlantic in three ships, the Nina, the Ford Pinto and Santa’s sleigh. Before it left port in Spain, the Ford Pinto exploded into flame as soon as an errant twig floating in the water brushed against its gas tank.
Most of the world’s leaders and theologians were convinced the Earth was flat when Columbus, who was firmly in the-Earth-is-round camp, convinced Spain’s delusional Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand (“The Bull”) to finance his voyage to search for a western route to the Orient, particularly Japan, that would make sushi more readily available to Europeans. It should be noted that generations later, gullible descendants of “The Bull” OK’d deals that brought Carl Crawford and Pablo “Kung-Fu Panda” Sandoval to the Boston Red Sox.
Columbus and his crew would make four round-trip journeys in search of the New World. All were fraught with difficulties.
On the first voyage, Columbus was halfway across the ocean when he realized he left his Mr. Coffee on and had to turn around.
On the second voyage, the bratty young son of his first-lieutenant noticed he left his fidget spinner on the kitchen table and cried and screamed for days; those on board voted to throw the kid overboard but softy Columbus opted to head back.
On the third voyage, Columbus was listening to the “traffic-on-the-threes” report by Kristen Eck in the Mapfre Insurance copter who reported that two sailing ships had collided at “the jughandle. “Frigate,” he announced to the crew, and changed course.
On the final voyage, Columbus was focused on his mission to find riches and conquer new lands but instead was condemned for spearheading the transatlantic slave trade and accused of initiating the genocide of the native peoples.
Columbus’ mood was buoyed somewhat by the jovial sing-alongs of “This Land is Your Land,” “99 Bottles of Grog on the Wall” and “Don’t Stop Believin’.” To pass the time, the crew acted out Broadway favorites. The theater critic for The Scurvy Times raved, “As the ingenue, Mr. Columbus is a curly-headed angel whose coloratura in ”Poor Wandering One” somehow merges pure sex with virginal rapture. It’s argh-uably the best Mabel I’ve ever seen.”
That first arduous, three-month voyage, though, is why we grill burgers, dogs and native corn every October. Columbus miscalculated and instead of Japan, where a mouthwatering meal of California roll and sake awaited, he landed on the beach in front of the ostentatious Mar-a-Lago (translation: “It’s a great, amazing home, and it’s mine. To keep the natives out, I will build a great wall … and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me”). Columbus couldn’t miss the place; the Star Shower laser lights Halloween display on the 128-room mansion shined like a beacon, illuminating its 20 acres.
Columbus was greeted onshore by a group of peaceful and friendly Native Americans, clad in “Chief Wahoo” Cleveland Indians jerseys, who welcomed Columbus to the New World with offerings of gold and steaming cups of Dunkin’ Donuts’ pumpkin spice decaf.
The natives invited the explorers to stay for Thanksgiving dinner, where the centerpiece of the holiday table was to be a free-range air-chilled organic turkey that contained no BPA, BHT or flavor. Also on the menu were those tasty little pearl onions with peas, a side of gluten-free gluten and mugs of Bent Water Brewing’s Thunder Funk IPA.
Columbus impolitely dismissed the gracious offer. Quite the chef, Columbus had already gone to Market Basket’s new store in Palos, Spain, to stock up on supplies. As soon as he could shoo the flies from the legs of mutton stored in the bowels of the ship, he would prepare a feast of his own.
Esteemed historian Stan Freberg through research discovered that Columbus’ true dream was to open the first Italian restaurant in America. Eager to negotiate a business loan, Columbus was dismayed that all the banks were closed. “Why are the banks closed?” asked Columbus. “It’s Columbus Day,” answered the Indian chief.
He could have used his Discover card!
