On Saturday, Prince Harry and fiancée Meghan Markle will marry in St. George’s Cathedral, the 15th-century church on the grounds of Windsor Castle in England. If your invitation was lost in the mail, as mine appears to have been, I’m sure you’ll be setting your alarm clock with the Westminster chime for an early-morning wake-up call.
It promises to be an upbeat, breathtaking affair…a real-life Hallmark fairy tale, where a member of British royalty falls head over heels for an American commoner, a lowly TV actress for heaven’s sake.
These two kids appear to really love each other. They are playful, affectionate and giddy together, a stark contrast to the passionless pairing of Harry’s parents (cold fish Charles and the scorned shy Di). Harry also won points in my book by telling the paparazzi to stay the heck away from Meghan.
But things might not be all rainbows and butterflies in the relationship, according to my uncle, Nigel Houndstooth Beefeater Brotherton IV, the royal washroom attendant at Buckingham Palace. Uncle “Beefy” reminds me that Harry’s grandma, Her Majesty the Queen, Elizabeth II, and the House of Windsor, know no bounds when it comes to controlling the tabloid press and putting a positive spin on negative stories.
“Did you watch that engagement interview of the two lovebirds, at Nottingham Cottage on the grounds of Kensington Palace, where Meghan revealed they were having a quiet night at home, ‘roasting chicken,’ when Harry got down on one knee and proposed? Pure rubbish,” said “Beefy.”
“I know for a fact that Meghan got takeaway, a roast beef three-way from Mino’s of Lynn’s London shop, because she and the prince had a real row.
“After taking a shower, Harry tossed his wet towels into a heap on the floor of the loo. And then he popped open a Theakston’s Old Peculier ale and plopped his arse on the couch, turned on the telly, and rooted for his beloved Arsenal Football Club and favorite player Danny ‘Big Papi’ Welbeck. He ripped open a bag of Walkers Salt & Vinegar Crisps, scattering crumbs everywhere. Meghan, who was hoovering the apartment, was royally cheesed off.”
Uncle “Beefy” said that the Markle sparkle returned when Harry sheepishly moseyed up to her, turned off the Hoover, got down on one knee and produced a ring consisting of a large central diamond from Botswana, with two smaller diamonds from the jewelry collection of his mother, Diana, Princess of Wales.
“Meghan can be annoying, too, though. She’s driving everyone crazy humming that god-awful “Kars For Kids” jingle. That song is insidious. The queen even rang up the charity’s executives and threatened to run them down with her Bentley if they didn’t cease and desist with that advert.”
“Beefy” also disputed published reports that the couple first met when a mutual friend arranged a blind date. “Bollocks. I overheard her tell an American confidant that she had signed up to the online dating service FarmersOnly.com and it was a disaster. She got all dressed up in heels and haute couture and was paired with a hog farmer who showed up in bib overalls covered with dung. ‘He was a little too down to earth for me,’ she told her friend, who suggested she instead join PrincesOnly.com. She did, met Harry, The rest is history, as they say.”
“Beefy” also revealed that the royal family had to pay off a couple of blackmailers who had video of questionable behavior by both Meghan and Harry. There was footage of Meghan gleefully tossing crates of Earl Grey off the Boston Tea Party Museum party ship into the harbor, and then feigning a faux British accent during visits to the Prince restaurant and Burger King on Route 1 in Saugus. Video also existed of Harry and a young woman, “Stormy” Skye, dancing around naked in a Wynn Las Vegas hotel room during a game of strip billiards.
Of course, none of this matters to me, who still has family living in England, and thousands of other Americans who are still mourning the death of Diana and continue to be dazzled by the House of Windsor and its determination to preserve the customs of the past.
Harry is marrying for love, rather than the time-worn practice of choosing brides who fit the traditional royal mould. I wish the couple a lifetime of happiness.
When the TV coverage begins at 5 a.m. on Saturday, I’ll be seated in my old Queen Anne chair watching the proceedings. And, for one morning, I’ll be drinking tea instead of coffee.
