The 70th annual Primetime Emmy Awards ego-fest was held last night in Los Angeles, ending long after the Item and Mr. and Mrs. Brotherton were put to bed. Experts and TV critics were predicting big things for “Game of Thrones,” “The Handmaid’s Tale” and “Barry.”
They’re all splendid shows, I’m sure. I’ve never seen a second of any of these highly-touted programs, primarily because the most-basic TV package on Earth is cabled into our household. We don’t even get the Red Sox games or HGTV, which is probably a blessing because I’d be spending a lot more time with Mrs. B at Home Goods and Pier 1 if we did. Netflix? Fuhgeddaboudit.
Truth be told, the network shows aren’t very good. Nothing is must-see TV. Friends raved about “This is Us,” so I watched an episode. Meh!
For some reason, we still turn on “Dateline,” which drags on for an interminable two hours while we struggle to stay awake. Ten minutes before it ends, we lose the fight and are both snoozing. The next morning one of us asks the other, “Did you see the end of that @#$% crime show last night?” The answer is always no.
It’s been a while since we’ve been enthralled with a TV show. I liked “Person of Interest,” which started out as an innovative, prescient Big Brother-is-watching drama before it devolved into a cookie-cutter CBS crime procedural. We both loved “Friday Night Lights” and “I’ll Fly Away,” but the Brotherton curse doomed them; quality shows we enjoy typically get low ratings and are canceled or rescued by networks we don’t get. “Nashville” had its moments and, of course, we were wild about “Seinfeld” and the original “Melrose Place.” That’s about it.
Old shows, it seems, are the new TV trend. A “Magnum P.I.” reboot on CBS with Jay Hernandez filling Tom Selleck’s Hawaiian shirts and a woman (Perdita Weeks) playing Higgins premieres Monday night.
Candice Bergen is back as “Murphy Brown,” no doubt predictably bashing President Trump every chance she gets. Roseanne Barr’s Twitter meltdown spelled the end for a revived “Roseanne,” but the rest of the cast will be back in “The Conners” next month. “Will & Grace” had a tepid return. The list will likely go on.
If we don’t even watch the probably-superior original shows on such stations as meTV, Decades and Cozi, why would we watch these retreads?
Game shows on Buzzr are fun, but must the same six weeks of Allen Ludden’s “Password Plus” be aired over and over again? “Match Game” with host Gene Rayburn and his crazy panelists talking about Dumb Dora and Old Man Periwinkle still draws laughs. It’s a blast to play along with black-and-white pioneers “What’s My Line” and “I’ve Got a Secret.”
Many of those game shows, of course, are back on ABC in joyless reincarnations with unctuous hosts. Let’s face it, Steve Harvey is no Richard Dawson on “Family Feud”; the ubiquitous Michael Strahan is no Dick Clark on “Pyramid.”
If network TV is so determined to revive these tattered classics, they could at least have fun with the storylines and casting. We humbly offer a few suggestions:
“A Little Soused on the Prairie”: Charles Ingalls (Adam Sandler), distraught after a nasty divorce and losing his farm, becomes Walnut Grove’s town drunk while a good angel (Roma Downey Jr.) and fallen angel (Michael Strahan) try to set him straight.
“Hey Beave”: Beaver Cleaver (Charlie Sheen) and Larry Mondello (Rob Schneider) become Mayfield’s first married gay couple. Hilarity ensues.
“T & A”: Tim Allen, Tori Amos and Troy Aikman discuss their tonsillectomies and adenoidectomies with thrilling results.
“Battle of the Network Stars 2019”: Michael Strahan, due to overwork from appearing on every ABC show except “Fresh Off the Boat,” goes berserk until Boomer Esiason subdues him with a tranquilizer dart.
“Stump the Stars”: David Schwimmer, David Spade and Renee Zellweger are hit with stumps. Special guest: Michael Strahan.
