The other day, I grabbed a coffee (black, nothing added, please, Ms. Barista) at Starbucks in downtown Salem. I was appalled by the number of people who were sucking down the chain’s bally-hooed $4.72 pumpkin spice latte.
It was 15 years ago that Starbucks introduced this popular coffee drink infused with cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, ginger and, if you’re lucky, maybe a smidge of real pumpkin.
It’s ironic that my pumpkin spice plight happened just a few blocks from where America’s spice trade began. More than two centuries ago, a bold young sea captain named “Gourd” Kluzak set sail from Salem to Sumatra to secure pepper, cinnamon, nutmeg and enough contacts to propel America into the lucrative spice trade. Ships from Salem left the town’s wharves on the way “to the farthest ports of the rich East,” as the city’s motto states, and Salem became the leading international port in America.
Most recently, “Gourd” Kluzak’s great-great-great-niece Pumpkin Spice sang the rap vocal on the English pop girl group’s big hit “Wannabe.” But I digress …
Of course, now, chemically-engineered pumpkin spice is added to nearly every foodstuff on Earth. Supermarkets devote acres of shelf space to these seasonal items. It’s out of control. Pumpkin spices up everything from Cheerios and Frosted Flakes, M&Ms and Oreos, hummus, candles and air fresheners, vodka and liqueurs. My buddy in Kentucky bought a bottle of gluten-free pumpkin spice-flavored moonshine.
There are time-limited pumpkin spice versions of Country Crock “butter,” Philly cream cheese, Peeps, kale chips, body powder, muscle-building protein powder, Pop-Tarts, puppy biscuits and kitty litter. And worst of all, Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies! That’s just wrong.
What’s next? Dulcolax Pumpkin Spice Suppositories? Lipitor Pumpkin Spice? Gerber Pumpkin Spice Baby Formula? Lotrimin Ultra Extra Strength Pumpkin Spice Jock Itch Treatment Cream?
How did pumpkin become the spice of life, the flavor of fall? It makes us feel warm and safe while colorful leaves drop from trees and the temperature dips.
Pumpkin pie is delicious, doubly so when topped with a healthy dollop of Reddi-Wip. Pumpkin bread is yumptious as well. But I expect pumpkin/squash in pie and bread; that’s truth in advertising. I don’t want it in my coffee and beer. I’m probably one of the few people on the planet who can stomach liver and onions, but that doesn’t mean I want those flavors in my candy and liqueurs. Godiva Liver & Onion Truffles, anyone?
When my sisters and I cleaned out our childhood home a couple of decades ago, we found a tin of McCormick’s Pumpkin Pie Spice in the cupboard — next to the parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme, and Garfunkel. It was nearly full and had expired about 1953. Mom probably baked something that caused Dad to gag or scrunch his face in disgust, and the tin sat on the shelf for the rest of their 46 years together.
Truthfully, pumpkin has little flavor. I know firsthand. One Halloween, following the onslaught of trick-or-treaters and fighting off an army of hooligans hell-bent on toilet-papering my house because I gave out Dum Dums instead of Hershey bars or Milky Ways, I bit into a jack-o-lantern after over-imbibing on Shipyard’s Pumpkinhead Ale. Yuck! I don’t recommend it.
Anyway, it’s imperative we find out how our political candidates feel about the pumpkin spice epidemic. Next to wanting to know why the 6:50 a.m. bus from Danvers to Salem Depot was at least 15 minutes late every single day last month, causing everyone to miss the connecting 7:13 express commuter rail train to Boston, nothing is more important. Gov. Baker? Are you pro-pumpkin spice, anti-pumpkin spice, pro-choice? How about you, Mr. Gonzalez? The over-caffeinated voting public demands answers.
The Draught Beer Preservation Society, too, requests an immediate end to the addition of pumpkin spices to their favorite brews. I support their cause. Pumpkin flavors don’t belong in beer.
It’s not that I’m anti-pumpkin. The fruit itself is a highly nutrient-dense food that’s rich in vitamins and minerals but low in calories. But enough already with adding a pumpkin spice concoction harvested in a chem lab to everything under the sun. This is one trend that deserves to be squashed.
