Personal-finance website WalletHub has released its 2019 report on the Most Sinful Cities in America. Lynn is nowhere on the list. What the (expletive)!
The “experts” who compiled the data must not be familiar with this popular refrain:
“Lynn, Lynn the city of sin
You never come out, the way you came in
You ask for water, but they give you gin
The girls say no, yet they always give in
If you’re not bad, they won’t let you in
It’s the damnedest city I’ve ever lived in
Lynn, Lynn the city of sin
You never come out, the way you came in.”
Or this version:
“Lynn, Lynn the city of sin
What looks like gold is really tin
You ask for water, they give you gin
The girls say no, but always give in
If you ain’t bad, you can’t get in
It’s the damnedest city I’ve ever lived in
Lynn, Lynn the city of sin
You’ll never come out, the way you came in.”
In the late 1980s, I was in Bermuda for a golf holiday. My playing partners, three retired strangers who had never been to New England, asked what I did for a living. “I’m a newspaperman in Lynn, Massachusetts,” I replied with pride. “Oh, ‘Lynn, Lynn the city of sin …'” they started singing. Perhaps they were fans of local ska punk band Big D and the Kids Table’s riotous version of the “Lynn, Lynn …” ditty. Yeah, that must be it.
The poems became popular in the early 1920s as an homage to the obscene number of speakeasies littered throughout the city. (It’s almost the 100-year anniversary, a great excuse for us to get drunk, create a little mayhem and celebrate. Huzzah!)
For its study, WalletHub compared more than 180 major U.S. cities based on seven sinful behaviors: anger and hatred, jealousy, excesses and vices, greed, lust, vanity, and laziness. Las Vegas easily captured the Most Sinful crown with a Vice Index of 60.80. Los Angeles, with an underperforming 56.50 Vice Index, was runner-up.
Let’s face it: We were robbed! Lynn is filled with as much anger, hatred, jealousy, greed and lust as those nitwits in Vegas and LA. I’m confident our Chamber of Commerce will demand a recount posthaste.
Maybe those beautiful murals, thriving arts community and emerging restaurant scene behind the city’s renaissance (Lynnaissance?) jeopardized our chances and cheated us from our rightful place in the Most Sinful upper echelon.
A WalletHub spokesperson confirmed my suspicions that the smallish size of our city (pop. 95,000) eliminated it from consideration. To that I say, “It’s time to change the (expletive) rules you (expletives).”
Quick research reveals that in the 1930s, to enhance its reputation as “the city of sin,” Lynn launched a “City Of Firsts” rebranding/advertising campaign that touted such historic milestones as Home of America’s First Brothel (1643), First Bank Robbery in America (1865), the MBTA’s First Electric Streetcar Delayed by Mechanical Issues (1888), and First Dumping of Human Waste in the Atlantic Ocean (1903).
When that failed to catch fire and entice people to settle in Lynn, a proposal was made to change the city’s name to Ocean Park with the catchy slogan:
“Ocean Park, Ocean Park,
a swell place to make your mark,
if you are a loan shark or a narc,
but get a guard dog that likes to bark,
and protect your home after dark”
For some inexplicable reason, that too was a flop.
I joke, but outsiders are no longer laughing at Lynn. Things are finally shifting in the city’s favor. A major publication in 2018 named Lynn one of the “Top spots to live in Greater Boston,” and several development projects are reshaping the city’s downtown without compromising its impressive history.
Getting back to the WalletHub study. Boston’s Vice Index of 37.14, good for 95th place, earned our capital city the spot of Most Sinful in Massachusetts. In addition, Boston ranked as 23rd greediest and 47th in the anger/hatred derby. Way to go Beantown; Let’s raise a glass to your No. 5 position as America’s Most Excessive Drinking city.
Manchester, N.H., was 151st with a 31.28 Vice Index and Worcester was 165th at 28.21. Providence and Warwick, R.I., ranked 1 and 2 in Lowest Charitable Donations as a Percentage of Income. (If Lynn was part of this study; we would rank No. 1 as Most Charitable. Lynners ALWAYS rally around those in need!)
Rounding out the Most Sinful top 10 are St. Louis (No. 1 in both Anger and Hatred, and Excesses and Vices), Houston, Atlanta, Philadelphia, Chicago, New York City, Miami and Denver. Pearl City, Hawaii, ranks as Least Sinful, narrowly edging out South Burlington, Vt.
We’ve probably blown our chance to make the Most Sinful list. But that’s OK. Maybe Lynn will soon top the list of Cities That Have Overcome Adversity to Rebound in a Big Way. It would be sinful if that didn’t happen.
