I’m sure you’ve put your life on hold, praying for happiness for poor Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, and his misunderstood bridezilla Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, who are fed up with their life as royals and intrusive coverage by the nasty British press.
Over the weekend, Harry’s 93-year-old grammy, Queen Elizabeth II, again torn between duty for country and love for family, announced that a deal had been reached allowing the couple to step aside as working royals, effective in the spring. In a major breach of family etiquette, the couple had announced their plans to ditch royal duties without prior approval from the queen, on Instagram no less!
The agreement also calls for Meghan and Harry to repay 2.4 million pounds ($3.1 million) in taxpayers’ money spent renovating a house for them near Windsor Castle, Frogmore Cottage. They will continue to use the cottage as their base in England. It is not known if Harry’s dad, Charles, will continue to send the freeloading couple a sizable check every month to help cover expenses.
Speculation has the couple moving to Canada, perhaps Vancouver Island, where they spent a long Christmas break, or Toronto, where Meghan filmed the TV series “Suits” for many years.
Not true, said my uncle, Nigel Houndstooth Brotherton III, the Royal Washroom Attendant at Buckingham Palace, who has the inside scoop. He phoned me yesterday with the startling news that the former Royal Highnesses and baby Archie Mountbatten-Windsor are relocating here in Lynn.
“They’ve put down a deposit on an apartment in an Oxford Street highrise that’s currently under construction,” said Uncle Nigel from across the pond. “They were upset that a beautiful community garden was leveled to make room for the highrise, but they agreed they are getting a lot of bang for their buck. Its convenient location to the commuter rail train and other public transportation sealed the deal; they can hop on the bus and get to Walmart or Boston promptly. And it’s walking distance to High Rock Tower Park, where baby Archie can go sledding.”
Uncle Nigel added that the robust job market in Lynn and surrounding communities appealed to the couple, who have vowed to become financially independent. Harry has confided to friends he might enjoy working in the kitchen at Prince Pizzeria on Route 1 or tackling bouncer’s duties at the Esquire Lounge. He looks forward to joining the North Shore Rugby Football Club and downing a Guinness or three at the Brandy Barrel Pub.
Meghan would like to work part time at Lord & Taylor or the North of Boston Library Exchange (NOBLE) and continue her “good work” helping women in shelters and poor neighborhoods.
“That’s ridiculous,” I told my uncle. “Have you been drinking?”
“My dear William, trust your old unk. I overheard the Duke of Earl and Vassal Ian talking about it last night. This moving-to-Canada nonsense was created to throw the loathsome British tabloids off the scent. And, remember, young Harry’s first overseas trip was in November 1985, when his mum Diana, may she rest in peace, and dad brought him and older brother William to Lynn. Charles and William still have very fond memories of that whirlwind tour, especially a trip to Building 19⅞ on the Lynnway, where they found smashing banlon shirts, double knit slacks and polyester knickers.”
Longtime Item readers might recall this newspaper’s coverage of that royal visit. About that trip to Building 19⅞, the long-gone “good stuff cheap” discount store, Charles was quoted in an Item story as saying “Bloody hell. Will you look at this record department. They must have every album that Kool & the Gang ever recorded. This place is the bee’s knees,” while he filled up a wobbly shopping cart with vinyl, digestive biscuits, and Ralph Lauren Polo gear. Diana and the boys were gobsmacked by “scrummy” Whoppers and chips at Burger King on Boston Street while Charles bowled a 108 string at King’s Lynn Lanes and sipped Crown Royal at Victoria Station in Salem.
The Edison Hotel in downtown Lynn messed up their reservation, but the family was fortunate to find accommodations at Fern’s Motel on Route 1, where they retired for a night in a deluxe queen-bed suite. “It was a noisy place, people were always coming and going, and we thought it odd that we were charged by the hour instead of by the night,” Charles told an Item reporter at the time.
Uncle Nigel suddenly said he had to go. “Prince Philip is whining that there is no toilet paper in his private Buckingham Palace loo. Please give my best to your sisters and your lovely wife. Cheerio nephew.”
