My ancient flip phone finally died, joining other superannuated relics like pagers and floppy discs in my technology graveyard. Every time I turned it on, even after a full charge, the “powering down” warning beeped and the screen went dark. I suppose I could look on eBay or some site where a battery gathering dust in a warehouse somewhere is available for purchase.
Or, I could boldly enter the 21st century and buy my first smartphone.
I really can’t complain. The “advanced and compact” silver Verizon LG model VX3300 cell phone served me well. It’s a real oldie, dating back to about 1775, the same model Paul Revere used as he raced through Lexington and Concord, texting to fellow Patriots Tom Brady and Julian Edelman that “The British are coming.” Of course, it took him forever to send the message, since the word “British” alone required 18 keystrokes on the 10-digit numeric keypad. Not easy on horseback at midnight either, let me tell you. Many times his buddy Benjy Franklin was on the receiving end of a butt dial. We’re fortunate we’re still not under British rule.
Anyway, the technology-challenged Brothertons have made the revolutionary decision to dive headfirst into the modern world. We bought our flip phones back in 2005 through my wife’s employer; the phones were free, the monthly fee was $6.99 per. We thought that was outrageous.
We had little interest in actually talking to people; the phones were strictly for emergencies, like a flat tire on the highway or a life-or-death hankering for a Fauci Special pizza or a beef three-way from Mino’s.
Our friends and family were often frustrated by the inability to reach us when we weren’t home. I’d call someone, get their voicemail, and leave a message, something like “Hi, I have an extra ticket to tonight’s Rolling Stones’ concert in Foxboro. Wanna go?” or “Please call ASAP; something terrible has happened” and then immediately turn the phone off, to not drain the battery and to lessen our exposure to electromagnetic energy and radiation.
We still have little interest in actually talking to people, but it will be fun and, hopefully, not too challenging to send text messages. We both look forward to learning how to text and checking our email while blocking an aisle in Market Basket or mindlessly sitting in a parking lot for 10 minutes while dozens of cars wait for a spot. We won’t be using a lot of data, whatever that is.
I actually sent a text once, an excruciating occurrence that left my hands and fingers cramping for days. And to its last dying beep, some 15 years later, I never took advantage of the flip phone’s many perks, like creating a T9 database, using speed dial, voice dial, or entering contacts. Annually, I’d receive several texts wishing me a happy birthday and had no idea who sent them. My ringtone was never personalized with a cool rock ‘n’ roll song, like Blondie’s “Hanging on the Telephone”; the default one remained, sounding like some children’s piano jingle from hell.
So, we’re in the market for smartphones. But where to begin? The options are intimidating and confusing. “There’s a whole new world out there Bill and you have an opportunity to have the best of the 2020 technology,” wrote an enthused, well-meaning friend. What a silly fellow.
Apple? Android? Verizon? Samsung? I-Mobile? A no-contract pay-as-you go TracFone? 3G or 5G? Unlimited text and voice? Data plan? If I have internet do I need a data plan? What uses data? Turns out Googling “What uses data on a smartphone?” uses data. How about games like solitaire and mahjong? Do we cancel our iPad data plan and put that money toward a phone data plan? Do we ditch our landline? Can we keep our phone numbers?
Should we opt for an easy-to-use smartphone with a large screen and big buttons for seniors, like Jitterbug or Consumer Cellular? Will I be limited to listening to old-fogey music by Rudy Vallee and Al Jolson on a Jitterbug 2 phone? One plus, Jitterbug offers a “Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” option, which might be useful as we get older.
Help!
I foolishly asked my Facebook friends for advice on a good, basic, affordable smartphone. My pals are comedians. They posted pics of the ginormous brick phone a herniated Michael Douglas lugged around in the film “Wall Street,” a Maxwell Smart shoe phone, a homing pigeon, a Bat phone/Bat signal, and an early handheld “blower” like the one Sherlock Holmes used and Spock used in a ridiculous “Star Trek” episode where the Enterprise crew encountered Mr. Okmyx on a planet that has based its culture on the Chicago gangsters of the 1920s.
The search and research goes on. We want to make a smart call on our smartphone. We hope phone companies don’t have our number. In the end, we want to express our happiness with a smiling emoji.
When you phone to congratulate us on the purchase of our first smartphones, don’t be offended if it goes straight to voicemail. One has to conserve the battery, after all.
