When I was growing up, way back before electricity, being selfish was one of the worst things you could be called as a female. Especially if you had siblings, you were vilified for keeping anything for yourself and not sharing. In fact, the few children who were “onlys” in my generation (and I actually can’t think of anyone on my block), were allegedly “selfish” because they didn’t have to share with anyone.
Since then, with more parents stopping their procreation after one, that myth has been shattered, with research finding that “only” children weren’t any less generous than those with siblings.
My own independent observation has even borne that out. My daughter had so many friends who were single children like her, at one time, in a class of 11 girls, seven were “only” children. When the conflict that inevitably comes as young children negotiate friendships erupted, I mentioned that fact to the teacher, observing, that’s a lot of queen bees in one class.
They were already used to speaking up, speaking out, and being heard. They were comfortable with themselves. These girls weren’t selfish — more like self aware and self assured.
And the word selfish isn’t so vilified any more. We’ve managed to change the narrative to self-care and are finally moving away from the doormat expectations of self-sacrifice, pleasing others at the expense of our own comfort and self worth.
As we head into National Women’s History Month, I’d like to give a shout out to women who have eschewed meekly accepting poor treatment in order not to be labeled “selfish.”
Let’s start with the women who came forward in the #MeToo movement. This was started by Tarana Burke in 2006 to help survivors of sexual violence, particularly black women and girls, and other women of color in lower income communities heal. Although it gained more fame when more famous women came forward with their stories of abuse, this movement has put several faces on the fact that women and girls have lived for centuries in the parallel universe where men move freely through spaces, while they have to always be on guard.
And after former movie mogul Harvey Weinstein was found guilty in his rape trial in New York this week, it is hoped more women will find their voices in their healing and self care. That #MeToo movement is moving toward #TimesUp and #NeverAgain.
Did you know that before Hillary Clinton ran for president, another woman did? Rep. Shirley Chisholm (D-N.Y.), who became the first black congresswoman in 1969, made her bid for the Democratic nomination in 1972.
In announcing her bid, Chisholm said, “I am not the candidate of black America, although I am black and proud. I am not the candidate of the women’s movement of this country, although I am a woman and I am equally proud of that. I am the candidate of the people, and my presence before you now symbolizes a new era in American political history.”
Chisholm ultimately lost the presidential bid to George McGovern, but some of her quotes, unfortunately, ring just as true today as they did more than 40 years ago:
“I had met far more discrimination because I am a woman than because I am black.”
“The difference between de jure and de facto segregation is the difference between open, forthright bigotry and the shamefaced kind that works through unwritten agreements between real estate dealers, school officials, and local politicians.”
“As things are now, no one can tell to whom members of Congress are responsible, except that it does not often appear to be to the people. Everyone else is represented in Washington by a rich and powerful lobby, it seems. But there is no lobby for the people.”
“Racism is so universal in this country, so widespread and deep seated, that it is invisible because it is so normal.”
That Chisholm’s words could be applied today, shows both her self-awareness, and the reality that we not only haven’t overcome, we actually haven’t come very far at all.
However, there is still hope. Not only are there three strong women running for the highest office in the country in Sens. Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar, and Rep. Tulsi Gabbard, there are women running for offices all over the country, up and down ballots.
And even more encouraging, there are young women who have already stepped into the limelight, showing that self-care, self-awareness and self-assuredness is increasingly part of our young people’s DNA.
I’m thinking of Emma Gonzalez, Malala Yousafzai, and Greta Thunberg. Gonzalez, one of the survivors of the school shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Fla., in February of 2018, became one of the students from her school who turned her outrage, anger and grief into activism for gun control. Yousafzai, who was shot in the face for going to school, is a Pakistani activist for female education and the youngest Nobel Prize laureate. Thunberg is a Swedish teenager and environmental activist, who has gained international attention and acclaim.
These three young women remind us that not all Gen Zers are self-absorbed, self-promoting, media-hungry overgrown children, bent on becoming famous for the sake of being famous.
Just as we’ve had strong, self-assured women in our past, we’ve got generations of strong women coming up in our immediate future. Their selfishness, meaning a strong sense of self, is worth illuminating and celebrating.
