President Donald Trump recently spoke about the coronavirus in the press briefing room at the White House. National Institute for Allergy and Infectious Diseases Director Dr. Anthony Fauci, Vice President Mike Pence, and numerous health experts were among those who joined him at the podium.
A busy news day (“Will Tom Brady leave the Patriots?”, “A water main break creates massive traffic jams”) prevented local news outlets from adequately covering the story.
As a service to Daily Item readers, we share highlights of the president’s press conference.
Hype man Rudy Guiliani: “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of the press. Please keep your traps shut and hold your stupid questions until the end.”
President Trump: “Ummph blickle oompa tinkle.”
CNBC reporter: “Mr. President, can you remove your face mask? We can’t understand a word you’re saying.”
Trump fidgets with the mask, but can’t figure out how to remove it. Pence lends a hand, then sneezes loudly.
President Trump: “God bless you, Mike.
“Thank you very much everybody. Let me start by saying Americans have no reason to panic. We are prepared more than we’ve ever been prepared for anything before. This virus is like the flu, a really bad flu. My administration has taken the most aggressive action in history to control our borders and protect Americans from this coronavirus hoax that was started by Nervous Nancy, Cryin’ Chuck Schumer and the Democrats.”
Pence sneezes a couple more times, then coughs up a lung.
President Trump: “Maybe you should wear my mask, Mike. Just kidding. Nothing to worry about folks.”
Dr. Fauci and members of the press corps share worried looks.
President Trump: “When my man Mike Pence was governor of Indiana, he established a great health care system. Mike is really an expert in the health care field.
“So what I’ve done is, I’m going to be announcing, exactly right now, that I’m going to be putting our vice president, Mike Pence, in charge of our coronavirus prevention team. He’s already hands-on: Mike has started washing his hands after using the men’s room, something he’d never done before.”
Pence is clearly shocked by the announcement.
Vice President Pence: “Thank you, Mr. President. Although I have a temperature of 102 and I’m coming down with the flu and should be home in bed, I look forward to leading your Corona Task Force. We have no higher priority than the safety, security, health and wellbeing of the American people.”
President Trump to the press corps: “OK folks, go ahead. Give me a nice question. Don’t ruin it with a bad question.”
CBS reporter: “Mr. President, some would say you don’t care about the health and safety of the American people, that you simply wish to protect yourself from any political ramifications of the virus during your re-election campaign.”
President Trump: “That’s bull@#&*. Totally unfair. When Ebola virus and swine flu hit, Obama got a free pass. I’m even being blamed for the shortage of face masks and the rising price of hand sanitizer. It’s not fair. No one blamed Obama when the plague hit and there weren’t enough life-saving leeches to go around.”
NBC reporter: “During the Ebola crisis, you said you wanted a full travel ban. You said Obama was a quote, unquote, stubborn dope for not doing it. You said ‘Just stop the flights dummies.’ You also said it was a quote, unquote, total joke to appoint someone to lead the Ebola response with ‘zero experience in the medical field.’ You fired your entire pandemic team. Do you trust your team more than medical experts?”
President Trump: “The coronavirus that we’re talking about is a respiratory virus. It’s spread in a similar way to the common cold, or to influenza. It’s spread through coughs and sneezes, and so, those everyday sensible measures that we tell people to do every year with the flu are important here; covering your cough, staying home when you’re sick, and washing your hands. Everything that Mike Pence should have done.”
ABC reporter: “Mr. President, the stock market has tanked due to coronavirus. Next week, my neighbor is hosting a house party, where guests will drink Corona with lime and cry in their beer while looking at their 401(k) statements. Are we doomed to live our retirement years destitute? Should Americans make summer travel plans abroad?”
President Trump: “The stock market is something I know a lot about. The stock market will recover. The economy is very strong, the consumer is the strongest it’s ever been. Our consumers are incredible.
“I think the financial markets are very upset when they look at the Democrat candidates standing on that stage making fools out of themselves. We are the greatest tourism country in the world, so instead of leaving our country, leaving our shores, they’ll stay here.”
CNN reporter: “You don’t think the selloff had to do with the coronavirus?”
President Trump: “We’ve done everything and much more than I said we were going to do. You look at what we’ve done, what we’ve done is incredible with the tax cuts and regulation cuts and rebuilding our military, taking care of our vets and getting them choice and accountability.
“I think after I win the election, I think the stock market’s going to boom like it’s never boomed before. Just like it did by the way after I won the last election. The stock market the day after went up like a rocket ship.”
FOX News reporter: “Thank you Mr. President, for making the world a safer place. Will you be curtailing your public appearances, given the virus’ unknowns?”
President Trump: “Thank you for asking. Melania, Baron and I are about to take a well-deserved staycation to our place in Palm Beach. They’re at the supermarket now, stocking up on bread, milk, diet Coke, beef jerky and Vienna Fingers. We’re having truckloads of supplies delivered to Mar-a-Lago so we don’t have to leave the house and interact with people. Baron wants to binge watch movies about pandemics, like “Contagion,” “Outbreak” and “The Andromeda Strain,” so we’ll do that.
“But every American citizen should live life as they normally would. Go to the mall, travel, spend money. The economy — and my reelection — might depend on it.”
