Finding Mary: The search for relatives

In the first installment of this series, my sisters and I were able to confirm that my mother, Mary Francis Hunt Matthews, had been adopted. Now we needed to dig deeper into our family’s past.

We discovered that her adoptive parents, Adeline Garrigan Hunt and Edward James Hunt, showed no genetic connection to us on 23andme.com or on Ancestry.com, and therefore none to our mother. They lived on Bulfinch Road in Lynn in the later years of their lives.

Our 23andMe check found that my three sisters and I had more than 1,400 genetic relatives who had tested with their service, and Ancestry.com had a similar number. Ancestry has an advantage over 23andMe, as it allows you to build a real family tree and, in some cases, access the family trees of others (including some of your relatives). Even as COVID-19 struck in spring 2020, I began to search and reach out in earnest to relatives.

I started my search by figuring out which of the genetic relatives found on the two sites were on my father’s side and which I believed were from my mother’s side of the family. I started with those on 23andMe who I had the most DNA in common with, and on Ancestry, with whom I had the highest cM (center Morgan) with. This is the measurement of DNA in common that is used on the site.

Next, I began to reach out to newly-found family members using the communication tools that 23andMe and Ancestry offer for genetic relatives.

The first person who responded on my mother’s side was *Alexa. I did not initially mention to her that my mom was adopted, but after a few conversations she asked that question and shared her family tree. 

She said that a couple of people in her family were adopted and she was very sympathetic to our search. After six months of sharing information and unselfishly taking time to help in our search, she shared the heartbreaking news that she was diagnosed with cancer and needed to start chemotherapy. *Alexa has never since responded and I have respected her situation by not persisting in trying to communicate with her.

On March 22, 2020, a couple of months before *Alexa’s devastating news, a third cousin, *Bobbi Jo, reached through 23andMe and living in Charleston, S.C., began to communicate with me. 

After communicating via email for several weeks, we began to speak on the phone. Within several weeks we were speaking daily. Cousin *Bobbi Jo was on a mission to assist us in finding our mother’s family. Understanding that my mom was born in Charleston at a Catholic hospital — St. Francis Hospital — she decided to go to the Catholic Diocese office near her home and see if they could guide us in finding answers, records or individuals that could help. She gave me the phone number and individuals to call. I called them. 

I learned there was a gap in the records, including records for the year my mom was born — 1927. *Bobbi Jo went directly to St. Francis Hospital and tracked down the person who handles their archives. I called that person. They gave me the same answer — there was a gap in the records. 

Ever persistent, *Bobbi Jo got the name and phone number of a Catholic nun who I called. My new contact made several calls on my behalf and called me back with the same answer the archivist gave me. 

Not to be deterred, *Bobbi Jo also reached out to the Florence Crittenton Agency in Charleston — a home for unwed mothers since the 1800s.

Finally, she reached out to the South Carolina Historical Society, which also couldn’t help. We greatly appreciated her diligence in assisting our search. After reaching out to Florence Crittenton and one of the Catholic entities, both agencies recommended reaching out to an agency functioning in South Carolina that assists people in finding birth parents and family members separated by adoptions. I called the agency. 

After about 20 minutes on the phone, the woman with whom I spoke said that because it had been 93 years since the adoption, it would be difficult to find my mother’s birth parents. That made sense but it was obviously not the answer I was looking for. Then to my surprise, she said could take on this case, but I needed to send her $5,000, sign a contract, and understand that they would keep the money even if an answer was not found out by them.

After speaking to my sisters, we decided to keep on looking without this “help.”

I continued to reach out to genetic relatives. In one of these outreaches I received important advice: In some cases, the genetic relative is not the one administering the family tree. It may be an in-law, child, parent or other relative.

My search took me to *Sharon in an attempt to determine how I was related to her father-in-law. I couldn’t establish the connection, but she asked me a question: 

“Have you ever heard of the ‘Search Squad?” She said the group of American and Canadian volunteers help people who are on a search for their birth parents or those of close relatives.

I found the “Search Squad” Facebook page, read and agreed to their conditions, and wrote a narrative describing my quest. Several volunteers offered their assistance; one of them, Lisa Ann Fanning, became my “search angel.” 

I submitted all of the information that she requested. After two months of searching, Lisa sent me a message saying that a second cousin of mine tested on Ancestry, which indicated a relative we should have in common, and that I should put the name of that common relative in my Ancestry tree. 

She mentioned that if this were my mother’s biological father, within 48 hours we would see the results on the site’s “ThruLines” feature. 

Forty-eight hours came and went: No results seemed apparent. I called my sister Mary Ellen. We both looked at the “ThruLines” feature and commiserated. After several minutes, the “ThruLines” populated with names of relatives all the way up to my fifth great-grandparents. 

After 93 years since my mom was adopted, we had found my mother’s birth father: Charles Everett Kepley! 

This was a very emotional moment. We got my other two sisters on the phone, and we celebrated this finding. We were halfway there. We still needed to find the identity of my mother’s mom. 

We had made a breakthrough on our search and learned some valuable lessons about genealogical research. For example, only about 20 to 25 percent of relatives respond when you reach out for reasons including little interest in ancestry. Sometimes when it comes to researching an adopted ancestor, people may not wish to get involved.

But when they do spend valuable time to respond, it is an opportunity to develop a good relationship with that family member. 

Months of researching and not giving up on dead ends made me a dogged researcher who learned that when you don’t get a response, don’t give up on trying to connect with someone.

In several cases, relatives that I have reached out to have taken more than a year to respond for the first time. On major holidays, I send a brief message to these relatives and I offer to share my family tree to give them access to information that may help them if they are similarly searching.

That being said, I have discovered wonderful things about relatives who have responded. I have also been surprised and concerned by some of my findings. After the wonderful help from cousin *Bobbi Jo, I also learned that through her (and then through other relatives) we are related to slave owners as well as descendants of formerly enslaved people. 

*The writer has used a pseudonym for privacy purposes.

NEXT: My discovery of our family relation to slave owners and formerly enslaved people.