(Editor’s note: The Readers’ Advocate’s role is to address the concerns of readers on a variety of matters, including the fairness of stories, what The Item covers and how, stories that may have been missed, and the emphasis put on certain stories but perhaps not on others. It is written by Jo Sullivan, a retired educator who is not a member of The Item staff and is not being paid. These commentaries appear periodically, on no set schedule.)
On Feb. 3, The Item filled the front-page and page A7 with the special feature, “Whatever happened to MANNERS?” Staff members wrote of their perspectives on nine aspects of manners, from the traditional to the Millennial, from cell phone etiquette to table manners. These perspectives prompted many memories and thoughts.
My high school employed a consultant for three days of “charm school,” with boys’ and girls’ sessions held separately. Girls were told to always wait for a boy to come around to open the car door. I have come to believe that we should all be opening doors for each other.
Because I was dating before the women’s movement challenged and changed customs, young men, including my future husband, always paid for our dates. Looking back on this custom, considering that we were all students, I regret that I never offered to pay. Now, all things being equal, I think the one who does the inviting should pay; otherwise, share the bill.
Online etiquette is not only about dating. I have supervised individuals who did not edit their emails (for tone or sarcasm, as well as writing), thereby offending colleagues and people whom they themselves supervised. We can all use a second pair of eyes.
Many schools that I worked in did not allow boys to wear hats. Administrators expended a lot of energy reminding students of the rule and confiscating hats. Time with students could be better spent on other things.
When I was an elementary principal, I used to say to the children (one-on-one, as needed): If I reach the door first, I will open it for you. If you reach the door first, you should hold the door for me. If we reach the door at the same time, you should hold it for me, because I am the adult.
While a tourist in Venice several years ago, I was impressed by the strict etiquette on the vaporettos (water buses). Front-row seats were for seniors and parents with strollers and little ones. On one trip, a mom with a stroller and a toddler got on. Because all the first-row seats were taken by seniors and one young woman, I got up to give the mom my seat. The other passengers yelled for me to sit down and shouted at the young woman until she gave up her seat for the mom. (When I was a very pregnant commuter on the MBTA, the only people who ever gave me their seat were other women.)
If we can think of good manners as being thoughtful, whether entering a room or a car, online or at our dinner table, we can weather the changes in cultural expectations and customs.
Thanks to The Item for the focus on the work and activities of new Lynn Mayor Jared Nicholson: “A day in the life…” (Feb. 15); “Developing story at City Hall” (Feb. 16) focused on his efforts to coordinate departments to respond to developers; “Nicholson talks about taking the helm in Lynn” (March 3) was about a meeting of new mayors sponsored by the Metropolitan Area Planning Council.
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