Mental and emotional abuse is sometimes overlooked or not taken seriously, mostly because this type of abuse is not always visible unless it is witnessed first hand, according to Abuse Center A Place of Hope.
The National Library of Medicine published a study on its website saying that 29 percent of women and 23 percent of men in the United States experience physical, sexual, or psychological intimate-partner violence during their lifetime.
Included in this statistic is emotional and mental abuse, which multiple mental-health resources say can include accusations of cheating or other signs of jealousy and possessiveness; constant checking or other attempts to control the other person’s behavior; constantly arguing; criticism; gaslighting; isolating the individual from their family and friends; and name-calling and verbal abuse.
A Lynn woman in her 20s, who requested to remain anonymous, spoke with The Item about her experience in a mentally- and emotionally-abusive relationship, saying she, like many others, didn’t know she was in one until she finally got out.
“I was sort of brainwashed and didn’t see how bad it was,” she said. “Everyone else tried to tell me and warn me, but I just didn’t listen because I didn’t see it. I was so manipulated that I thought everything was fine.”
This victim listed some of the same experiences of abuse that were referenced above, including accusations of cheating — which she said often led to arguments and yelling — insults, gaslighting, lying, and trying to isolate her from her family and friends.
“We were together for a while and for the first couple of years, he would tell me that my friends were bad influences and that I shouldn’t surround myself with them, which just made me spend more time with him,” she said. “He’d say things like ‘no one else will love you like I do, you need me, you’re crazy,’ and a bunch of other lies to make me feel bad about myself.”
One of the instances this victim recalled was when they got into an argument on the way home from dinner with friends because she was “talking to one of his friends too long and they were standing too close.”
She recalled being yelled at and accused of other things she didn’t do while in the passenger seat before jumping out of the moving car — noting that they weren’t going too fast — because she couldn’t stand to be in the car anymore and he wouldn’t stop to let her out.
“Things like that happened all the time. There was yelling, throwing things, telling me I should dress better and act better especially in front of his friends, look prettier, and so much more,” she said. “When he broke up with me, I was devastated, but it was the biggest blessing in disguise.”
This victim said it took her around six weeks to “take a step back” and realize the toxicity and severity of the relationship she was in and that she had been manipulated and gaslighted for more than five years.
“To think I almost married this man and bought a house with him freaks me out. We wanted kids too, but I’m glad I decided to wait so I am actually able to get away from him for good,” she said. “I look back and feel like an idiot for staying so long, but then I realize that I was so manipulated that I didn’t even know any better. I don’t even feel like it was me. It was like I was someone else for five-plus years.”
Reflecting on her experiences and now realizing how bad they were, she said she is slowly becoming OK with speaking out about it, but is wary of the speculation and the judgment that comes along with it. She said many people don’t think “mental and emotional abuse” is that bad or know that it is a situation you sometimes can’t get out of. She is often asked why she didn’t just leave.
“A lot of people don’t understand why I didn’t leave him years ago, but when I try to explain it to them it just doesn’t really make sense and they don’t get it,” she said. “I think that’s because not many people talk about emotional abuse since there’s no physical bruises or scars that they can see. He left me plenty of scars and bruises, just on the inside.”
For more information and resources on mental and emotional abuse, visit Mass General’s HAVEN program at www.massgeneral.org/social-service/HAVEN/learn-more.
HAVEN (Helping Abuse and Violence End Now) offers direct services to help improve survivors’ health and safety, as well as their housing, employment and financial circumstances.
