In honor of National Donut Day today, I was asked if I could write a little piece about the beloved circular treat. As someone who fears no subject, I obviously said yes.
I started Googling the origin of the donut, how it has been around for years, with today’s iteration coming from a mid-19th century New England ship captain mother.
I Googled where the donut got its hole. Apparently the ship captain, her son, needed both hands to steer the boat in a storm, so he jabbed his mom’s creation onto the spoke of the wheel.
I Googled how National Donut Day started. Unlike most themed days — that are created by corporations and companies to continue pushing mass consumerism — this hole-y day was inspired by the Salvation Army Donut Lassies: women who were sent to France in 1917 to establish field bases near the front lines. Soldiers would come to the bases to stock up on goods and receive the famed sweet treat, a donut, from the Lassies.
In 1938, the first official National Donut Day was celebrated in Chicago.
When thinking about the holed sugar circle, the first thing that comes to mind is Homer Simpson, obviously.
“Donuts: Is there anything they can’t do?” Homer asked.
That raunchy Minion really was onto something. Donuts can save a diabetic, stop a crying baby, make your photo dump on Instagram more colorful and aesthetically pleasing, keep a cop awake during a night shift, and be both a breakfast and a dessert.
Donuts can also make you feel terrible. Which is what they did to me today on my commute home.
To find inspiration, I went to Dunkin and got one powdered donut, two glazed Munchkins, and a lemon creme donut. Before you judge my order, that was about all they had left.
I don’t have a sweet tooth, and prefer a salty snack any day, so it had been awhile since I’d had a donut.
I ate one munchkin and felt on top of the world. I wasn’t as tired as I was moments before. The glaze had melted onto my tongue and the dough was light and sweet. I wondered to myself why I waste my money on a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese most Dunkin trips when they have these sugar ball delights. I engulfed the second, and wasn’t even mad I was in traffic anymore.
I ate the powdered donut and was a little irritated that my black pants and gray upholstery were now covered in powdered sugar.
“But,” I thought, “happiness always comes at a price.”
Homer was right: What can’t they do?
It wasn’t even 15 minutes later when my sugar hangover kicked in. I had a headache, I was nauseous, nothing was fun anymore. And, I still had my lemon creme taunting me from inside the paper Dunkin bag.
I was in the Ironic Punishment Division, otherwise known as Homer’s Donut Hell.
All I wanted to do was drink a gallon of water, eat a few carrots or something natural while I layed down on a patch of grass.
I was reminded why I don’t often indulge in these middle-less goodies.
You want to know what donuts can’t do? Be bagels.
I prefer bagels, and today I was reminded why. There’s way more you can do with them and they have a hole and are circular just the same.
Donuts are delicious, though, I do admit, if consumed responsibly.
So, cheers to National Donut Day, the hole-iest day of the year.
