Ah, the American Dream: Buy a $2 Powerball ticket, win a billion dollars, and live happily ever after.
Except — have you considered how absolutely disastrous this could be for you?
Saturday’s Powerball jackpot has climbed to a cool $1 billion, with a cash option of $453.1 million. That’s right, you could take home nearly half a billion dollars and all for guessing a few ping-pong balls correctly. What could go wrong?
Plenty.
First, let’s talk about your new social life. Or rather, the lack of it.
You’ll have “friends” you never knew existed, suddenly remembering the time they let you borrow a pen in 10th grade and surely deserve a Tesla for their trouble. Cousins twice-removed will no longer be removed.
And your inbox? Forget it.
Even that one Nigerian prince is going to start looking like a legit financial advisor.
Then comes the problem of geography. Where do you even go with that much money?
Stay in your current neighborhood? Prepare for a sudden influx of zoning complaints, mysterious potholes in front of your driveway, and drone footage of your backyard pool.
Move somewhere fancy? Congratulations, you’re now the least wealthy person in your zip code — because trust me, the real rich people can smell “lottery rich” from a mile away.
And don’t get me started on how to spend it.
You think you’ll be smart. “I’ll just invest it.” Sure.
Until your financial planner — who now wears shoes shinier than your future — steers you into llama farms and underwater golf resorts. Or maybe you’ll buy a sports team. Which sounds glamorous, right? Until you’re explaining to an angry city why your players lost again.
Meanwhile, the stress of protecting your money will eat you alive.
Lawyers, accountants, bodyguards, and second bodyguards to watch the first bodyguards.
You’ll start sleeping with one eye open, clutching your winning ticket, while wondering if it’s still safer to bury your gold bars in the backyard next to the tomato plants.
But here’s the kicker: You may already be sitting on your jackpot. If you’ve got a job that mostly pays the bills, a roof that doesn’t leak (much), and a coffee maker that hasn’t staged a rebellion — congratulations, you’re doing better than a huge chunk of the planet.
Got a couple of friends who’d still hang out with you if you were broke? That’s practically a billionaire-level rarity right there.
And let’s be honest, the power of being able to scroll endlessly on your phone, complain about your boss, and order pizza that arrives in under 40 minutes — that’s a kind of lottery win our ancestors couldn’t have even dreamed of.
And yet, here you are, still considering buying a ticket. Why? Because the faint, glimmering chance of escaping the 9-to-5 grind is intoxicating.
Because even knowing it might ruin your life, you’re still thinking: Well, maybe it’ll ruin it fabulously.
Working at the counter of Cal’s News in Lynn, Billy Miraglia said more than 200 people had bought Powerball tickets by 3 p.m. Friday.
And if you remember, Cal’s News sold a million-dollar lottery ticket only five years back.
Miraglia said the most common quips he hears people say about winning the billion dollars are, ‘All it takes is one to win’ and, ‘Everybody needs a little luck.’
So go ahead, hand over your $2 at the counter.
Just remember: The odds of winning are about 1 in 292 million.
Which is to say, your chances of living a normal, boring, debt-ridden, boss-complaining, coffee-sipping life are basically guaranteed.
And frankly, that might be the real jackpot.
But, yes, I will buy a ticket anyway — what are the odds?
