Dr. Maria Pia Perez
The role of mothers is vital in our society. Indeed John Adams stated, “It is by the female world that the greatest and best characters among men are formed. I have long been of this opinion to such a degree that when I hear of an extraordinary man, good or bad, I naturally inquire who was his mother?”
Mothers play a critical role in their children’s lives; I know this first-hand because my mother played a vital role in the person I have become.
My own mother’s legacy includes six character traits, summed up with the words: magnanimous, available, kind, thankful, leading, and effectual.
Magnanimous means enlarging your heart’s capacity to become more generous in forgiving an insult or injury, especially toward a rival or someone less powerful than yourself. It means “great-souled” in Latin. This is a virtue that takes years to nurture and grow.
Nelson Mandela nurtured this virtue over his 27 years in prison. His ability to forgive his abusers enabled him to reunite and heal a nation. American journalists regularly wrote of his “lack of bitterness and sense of serenity in him, of his confidence and courtesy.”
Abraham Lincoln also personified this attribute. He stated, “I have always found that mercy bears richer fruit than strict justice.” He granted more pardons than any other president in history. When speaking of his enemies, he stated, “The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.”
Mothers model this attribute by showing forgiveness in their own lives, extending patience and forbearance to themselves and their children.
Research identifies that children need to be taught humility, forgiveness, empathy, optimism, compassion, sympathy, patience, shame, cooperation, and gratitude. Mothers model these through their responses and reactions to their children daily.
Another attribute of my mother is being available and observant of the needs around her. As Robert Greenleaf said, “Awareness is not a giver of solace; it is a disturber and an awakener.”
We build influence when we choose to extend ourselves by serving and sacrificing for others. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “If anyone were to ask me what I want out of life, I would say the opportunity for doing something useful, for, in no other way, I am convinced, can true happiness be attained.”
World-famous childhood theorist Maria Montessori said that teachers should adopt the skill of observation, enabling them to prepare and meet the specific needs of the children they are teaching.
In particular, mothers model this by teaching their children to be helpful and by helping them to notice the needs around them. When children’s needs are met on a timely basis, when a mother is attentive and responsive, the children learn to meet the simple needs around them.
Dependency and secure attachment are the foundation on which true independence is formed; to be truly independent, children must spend a long time being dependent. Mothers must be in-the-moment and let go of all the adult means of distraction and stimulation, focusing on eye contact, touch, tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, and awareness of their own emotions.
By being available to their children each day, mothers equip them to notice and meet the needs around them — for example, the needs of classmates struggling with schoolwork.
Learning to serve others and take on responsibilities will inevitably increase a child’s purpose and meaning in their own life. One way mothers model this virtue is by volunteering; taking the time to help others with their child.
The next character trait is the virtue of being kind. One does not need to look at the nightly news to identify the necessity for kindness in our society. Mothers set this example and are the instructional coaches in their homes.
Do not underestimate a small deed; small kindnesses will reform our lives. Anne Frank had a compelling commentary on this virtue, stating, “You can always give something, even if it is only kindness.” One small action at a time is how great things get done. Small acts of kindness can have a more significant effect than momentous charity events or service projects.
When mothers are kind and patient with their children, their children learn to treat others the same way. A predictable home with routines, rituals, and daily and weekly rhythms will help promote emotional regulation and thoughtful responses.
Another key character trait is teaching and expressing thankfulness and having a heart of gratitude. Research demonstrates the powerful effect gratitude has on our lives. This virtue can help individuals overcome obstacles, enhance well-being, and live a happier life.
Recall and observe the good things in life to adopt a heart of gratitude, and teach children to do the same. Research reveals that children need to be taught specific characteristics such as thankfulness and gratitude; these are not hard-wired in children, like the emotions of sadness, joy, anger, fear, disgust, and surprise.
Mothers lead by their examples. The first step in leading others is by leading yourself. We build influence when we choose to extend ourselves by serving and sacrificing for others.
Consequently, by being present and leading their children in their homes, mothers are developing self-discipline in their children. For example, mothers provide opportunities for children to complete small tasks and acts of self-control around the home, then follow up and ensure they are accomplished.
When I recall my own upbringing, one value that has proven to be the most beneficial in my life is that of industry, working hard. My mother required my sister and I to clean our house every Saturday morning. We each had a different floor to clean. The assumption was that we could only go out for the day after this weekly chore was completed.
There is no greater joy than being around obedient children; so much can be accomplished when a mother and child work together. Likewise, I know first-hand what engaging a grandchild in yard work is like. What can be accomplished when you have a child who listens well and follows through with given instructions is incredible.
Mary Washington stated, “the future chief was taught the duty of obedience, and was thus prepared to command.” Mothers help raise and develop obedient and disciplined children who, in the future, can lead others.
The final attribute of my mother is that she guided her children in finding their passions and helped them to develop their interests. It is important to help children learn what they can do well, and then provide ample opportunities for them to practice their unique skill sets.
Mothers like my own are magnanimous, available, kind, and thankful. They lead those under their care and help them grow their gifts and talents.
Being around children who have been mothered and disciplined, and are confident, kind, teachable, and thoughtful is a joy.
Dr. Maria Pia Perez is a Lynn resident.